I love Hello Kitty. I mean, who doesn't? She's little, with cute outfits and bows and unblinking black eyes—you'd have to be heartless to hate a small kitten who loves strawberries and apple pie. Lucky for fans, these days you can buy almost anything branded by the mouthless cat.
So, I've compiled a list of 10 Hello Kitty items that should never have come into existence. There is such thing as going TOO FAR, and honestly, not even the cuteness of Hello Kitty can save the atrocities below.
10. First up, HELLO KITTY JEANS.
Now, who in the world thought these were a good idea? Not only are they incredibly baggy, saggy, and unflattering, but why is her giant face splayed across the backside?!?!? Sorry but no, this isn't sexy or cute or even remotely fashionable. Give me spandex, give me jeggings, BUT DONT MAKE ME WEAR THIS!!
9. HELLO KITTY ANTI-VIRUS SOFTWARE
Oh, why yes...if I were shopping for a reputable malware protector I would definitely pick the Hello Kitty brand one. Aw look, she's even dressed like a doctor! YAY I KNOW MY COMPUTER WILL BE HEALED BY THIS CARTOON CAT!! SHE'LL PROTECT ALL OF MY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND PRICELESS PHOTOGRAPHS AND PERSONAL INFORMATION! Who cares about McAfee or Norton?? Clearly cute firewalls = better firewalls.
8. HELLO KITTY X HOOTERS
Well THAT'S a genius combo. Hooters and Hello Kitty, kind of like making a pig the mascot of a Jewish daycare...just, no.
7. HELLO KITTY FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS
I know it makes sense to make "female products" because it caters to Kitty's overwhelmingly female fan base but honestly, this is just super weird.
6. HELLO KITTY GOLF BALL HOLDER
I'm no professional golfer, but just what exactly is the point of this? Admittedly, this little bag-ball-hangy-thingy is totally cute, but is this even usable? As in, do you need a pouch to store a golf ball? Like, ONE single golf ball? What happens after you hit the ball? Do you have to carry 20 of these at all times for all your golf balls? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
5. HELLO KITTY FROZEN BEEF PATTIES
Just what I want to feed my family: frozen Hello Kitty meat. I mean, Hello Kitty cow meat. I mean, seriously, Sanrio, can you just stay away from frozen meat and maybe perishable food items in general please?
4. HELLO KITTY TOILET PAPER
This is another product that's admittedly cute but grossly unnecessary...and I mean gross in all senses of the word. Do I want to wipe my nether regions with pink hearts and roses and Kitty's face? No thanks, Sanrio, save it for the stationary papers.
3. HELLO KITTY POOP TOOTHPASTE
This “Who Pooped on My Toothbrush?” toothpaste can be found in Korea in strawberry flavor. Maybe the marketing and product design team over in Kittyland is testing our buying threshold. Like, "If we sell poop toothpaste and put Kitty's face on it, will fans still buy it??"
2. HELLO KITTY CIGARETTES
Nothing better than an adorable cat helping you to die, one pink pack at a time. I can just imagine all the five year olds..."Mommy mommy! Can I have that?"
1. HELLO KITTY DOGS
Please, good kind people of the world, STOP DOING THIS TO YOUR DOGS. What ever did they do to deserve this? This poor species-confused chihuahua looks and feels stupid, and he's helpless to fight back. Dressing your pet up as Hello Kitty will not only get PETA up in your grill, but also YOU'RE DRESSING YOUR DOG AS A CAT. His peers will sneer at his identity confusion and you might as well be cone-of-shaming him for the rest of his life.
But wait, there's one more...
1. HELLO KITTY MALE UNDIES
Just kidding, I'm kinda glad they made this. Don't tell my boyfriend, but I bought these for him off Ebay and let me tell you, they're QUITE NICE in person. (Nice and tight and firms up the rear, but be sure to order a size up. Heh heh heh.) You're welcome, ladies.
So what do you think? Is Sanrio goin' a little nutso with the branding or would you use it all?