Orange Marmalade Fan Fiction: Look At Me (Chapter 2)
When things don't go as planned, when head writers pull your heartstrings or just plainly destroy your heart, we have fan fictions.
It's been a few days and I sill am struggling with all what happened in episode 4 of Orange Marmalade. I cheered, screamed, and cried a lot. And then I was left in my bed, looking at the ceiling contemplating my life choices… for hours. If you haven't watched this episode, then you can do it here. Make sure to watch it below before reading this week's chapter.
This fan fiction goes according to what we are watching, and at some point I know I'll have to stray from it and follow my own path. I'm kind of doing it already because I just refuse to accept what happened with Han Shi Hoo. I will not believe it and I still hope that my own theory (that you will somehow read next) will come true. For now, for all those of you who are suffering as much as I am, this chapter shows us another angle from our second lead's point of view and offers some hope.
If you have suggestions or theories of what might happen in the show, feel free to share. They always help to shape this story!
Previously on Orange Marmalade: Look At Me
Orange Marmalade: Look At Me
Chapter 2: Guilt
When I accepted to join Baek Ma Ri’s band, I did not imagined what would happen. In all honesty, I couldn’t even possibly imagine things would turn out like this. I knew that with her new attitude and by sharing even more time together, Ma Ri and Jung Jae Min would inevitably grow closer. It is annoying how they seem to gravitate towards each other, ignorant of the consequences or just plain oblivious. However, I didn’t think they would grow that close and look at each other as if the rest of us didn’t exist. I didn’t anticipate how terrible it would be and I certainly didn’t imagine how I would feel about it.
I can’t believe it, it is ludicrous and impossible because why? Why would I feel jealous? No, not that. Why would I develop feelings for Baek Ma Ri when it is obvious she is blinded by that human? I didn’t think I was also stupid and somehow a masochist. But I apparently am one, a big one because the more I think about it, the more I realise I like her, more than I should, more than anything. And I’m becoming even more of an idiot because I just want to protect her, even if she won’t even look at me. Even if she is too distracted with that human, I still want to protect her and help her be happy. Idiotic as it is, I even want to help her graduate from this damn school, with that damn human.
I’m so pathetic.
But certainly, what I really didn’t anticipate and couldn’t even have dreamt in my worst nightmare, is finding out what really happened to my parents. In this trip, that was literally just to perform and show our band in this exchange program, I thought the only bad thing would be to see Baek Ma Ri and Jung Jae Min together, making goggle eyes at each other.
It was my fault. It was my total and utter fault that my parents are still being punished, that they were taken away and that we were separated. It’s all my doing. Because I couldn’t control myself. Because they were my parents and did what they shouldn’t… because they loved me. That love was their curse. I brought their doom when they just tried to save me and that stupid human. They were protecting me and that destroyed my family. And it was all my fault. I did that to them.
And that makes me think I almost caused the same to Baek Ma Ri’s parents when I lost Baek Joseph. Again, I almost destroyed a family. Really, isn’t there an end to the downfalls I bring upon others? Vampires that are just being kind to me?
I can’t even face her or anyone right now. I can’t stand being with myself now, but I still think of her. I still put her first because even when that Jung Jae Min comes threatening me to stay away after learning I’m a vampire, I still protect her. It would be better if I told him she is also a vampire. It would end the stupid game they are playing and it would help me because it would teach her she can’t be with a human. But do I do that? Of course not! Even when I’m being torn apart from within I still think of her and protect her. I still keep her secret even if mine was exposed.
How hard did I fall for her?
I’m the biggest idiot and I can’t just pull myself together. I have to stay away and try to at least know what I’m supposed to do. I need to figure out how I’m supposed to carry on when I know this, when my entire existence has been torn down with one punch.
But oh, of course I have to still listen to her. Of course! Just because it is Baek Ma Ri the one panicking and needing help I push aside my own problems and inside storm to go to her rescue. And this is all the proof I need that I’m the biggest idiot out there.
I know I’m on the edge, that any wrong step will have me sharing the same fate as my parents and to be honest I would rather die than that. So I’m being careful, not even when Jung Jae Min pushes me to the limit I cross that line. Not even when I don’t know what to do with my life I cross that line.
But I do cross that line for her, to protect her.
I’m not even saving her life per se, I’m just stopping her from making a mistake that will have her being punished, so instead I do the one thing I shouldn’t. I throw my life away to stop her and help her with her damn human. I save Jung Jae Min for her. I use my vampire abilities for her even if that is basically signing my death sentence. I do it. For her.
I think I underestimated my own feelings.
I don’t know how this happened or when exactly. I don’t even think, I just feel. I don’t even care about my own destiny as long as she doesn’t have to suffer it. It doesn’t make any sense, none at all. She is a fool and she doesn’t even see me as anything but that vampire she met long ago and that now is freeloading at her house. That vampire that lost her little brother. Yet I still sacrifice myself for her.
And now the signal is off and I know it. I’m a VCS’s target and they are coming for me after using my ability. I’m as good as dead right now because I couldn’t stay away from her. They’ll come for me, take me away and I’ll never see her again. Oddly enough, that thought hurts even more than knowing I’ll be punished for what I did. I will never again see Baek Ma Ri and my heart aches so much for that.
All this wasn’t supposed to happen during this trip. It was supposed to be just music but it became my grave.
I can’t bear it. Knowing they’ll take me away and that I’ll be basically a corpse that’s forced to stay barely alive. I can’t take that. And every second of it will remind me my parents have been doing this for years because of me. I’ll live with the guilt eating me from within for what I caused them.
Have I ever done something right? Before I could even speak I practically got my parents killed. Now I crafted the same path for me out of… love. Just like my parents did for me, now I did the same. I really am their child, after all. And they would’ve been spared if I hadn’t been here. And if I hadn’t been here, Baek Ma Ri wouldn’t have been looking for me with Jung Jae Min and he wouldn’t have gotten himself in that accident and she wouldn’t have ever thought of using her abilities.
If it weren’t because I’m still here, none of this would’ve happened.
“It’s better if I wasn’t here,” I mumble, looking at the picture of my parents. It is my existence that has caused all this problems.
So no, I won’t let anyone else get hurt because of me, especially Baek Ma Ri. I think that if I stay around somehow she’ll end up hurt, too. I won’t cause her pain, too. I have to stop this, stop myself. So I only say my goodbyes to her, kind of, because let’s be honest, she is the only being I actually care about right now and the only reason why I don’t want to die, but in order to protect her, I need to disappear. But even Maximum Penalty isn’t enough.
With that in mind, I throw away the SPA to the ocean and prepare for the end. I’m facing the sun and with it, my definite death. I won’t let the VCS catch me and I won’t let my existence hurt Baek Ma Ri. I’ll be gone now, before they can get here and stop me.
The sun starts coming out and I feel it in my skin, burning it, killing me slowly. It hurts so much but I welcome that agonising pain because it’ll be over soon. I don’t have to keep doing this for much longer. I just have to endure it a bit more, endure the pain and how my own skin disintegrates and then muscles and how I just become dust, slowly.
I close my eyes and I see her. Her surprised eyes, her confused expression, her annoyed frown, her lovely smile. I see all our moments, since we met again until the last one, until the last time I heard her voice. I see it all and her memory helps me to endure the sun burning me alive. It is her helping me go through this.
It’ll be over soon. Just a little bit more. I just need to see her smile for a bit longer and I’ll be gone, forever.
I see her, clearly, but she is not smiling, she’s angry and disappointed, she’s hurt and guilty. She looks at me with eyes that recriminate me for what I’ve done and she looks at me how I feel: like all this is my fault.
“No, it’s not,” I let out, barely words because I’m barely a body. “Not your fault. Mine.”
I don’t get to say anything else because I can’t take it anymore, because even she starts fading away, blackness comes within my vision, from the sides and consuming it all. The last thing I feel before that blackness takes over is more pain, like a truck has just hit me and then it’s all black. No more pain, no more light, no more anything but a constant beep ringing in my ear.
Beep… Beep… Beep…
That is all I can hear.
This is a work of fiction with no profit intent. All characters and context belong to the rightful writers of the webcomic and drama. This is made by a crazy obsessed fan for other fans who suffer from Second Lead Syndrome.
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