The 8 most pathetic anime characters of all time
Every anime has some really cool characters that you want to quote in real life, cosplay as at conventions and secretly marry if they were real. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of horribly, irrefutably, laughably pathetic characters. So, for your comedy benefit, here are the 8 most pathetic anime characters of all time.
1) Hercule—Dragon Ball Z
How does this guy have millions of fans? An international “action” star, Hercule (or, as fans in Japan know him because their censors aren’t cowards, Mr. Satan) only has one talent—taking credit for beating villains he has never even fought. And when he actually tries to take down a villain, his masterful strategies include planting explosives inside a rigged Gameboy or…wait for it…a sneak attack. Hercule: you are shameless, worthless and the only human being more pathetic than Chiatzou.
2) Misa Amane—Death Note
Were it not for a later entry on this list, Misa would be the most desperate, lovelorn and laughably pathetic Casanova in anime. As an absolute loser who Cupid evidently arrowed in the brain, Misa quite literally dedicates her life to the “vigilante” known as Kira. She fails to realize that when he’s killing people simply for disagreeing with him, he’s not really a vigilante. And even though his proclamation of love is about as sincere as his intentions, Misa still gives up half her life for him. Twice.
3) Tristan Taylor—Yu-Gi-Oh!
Can someone say electric monkey? Like his friend Joey, Tristan is a delinquent. Unlike his friend Joey, however, Tristan has absolutely no dueling talent whatsoever—meaning he can’t even claim to have reformed himself. Plus, he’s always flirting with his best friend’s younger, formerly blind sister. In addition, he’s quite idiotic, as shown when Tea tells him she really has to use the bathroom and he responds with, “The sun will come up soon.” And, to reiterate, he later on becomes an electric monkey.
You would think the honor of the most pathetic character in Pokémon would go to Psyduck, but at least the duck is an amazing psychic when he gets a headache. The most truly pathetic character in the series—who even beats Misa for the title of worst Casanova—is actually everyone’s least favorite Pokémon breeder (seriously, how is that better than trainer) and the world’s most inept Gym Leader, Brock. With a seemingly endless collection of terrible pick-up lines, Brock gets rejected with the same regularity that Team Rocket blasts off into the sunset. Worst part is, forget about securing a phone number, Brock can’t even get an email address.
5) Armin Arlert—Attack on Titan
Armin is intelligent, brave and a reliable friend willing to risk his life in the face of tremendous adversity. On several occasions, he has been the sole reason several of his friends weren’t eaten by Titans, which would at least dented the friendship a bit. But all that simply doesn’t excuse the waterworks. No Attack on Titan episode is complete without the viewer being exposed to the bare posterior of a Titan and an Armin crying session. And it’s not just a single teardrop down the cheek a la Mikasa or Eren—Armin truly tests the limits of his tear ducts. Feeling depressed and wishing for some form of healthy expression of grief isn’t awful, but unless these saline drops can destroy a Titan, you should really grab some fighting equipment, Armin.
6) Kaiji—Gyakkyō Burai Kaiji
The tremendous ability of everyone’s favorite “suffering pariah” to survive against the most seemingly impossible odds does nothing to offset the fact that Kaiji is a powerless gambling addict, literally unable to control his urges to take shortcuts in life, win money without working particularly hard for it, and spending it on equally useless things like beer, chips and more gambling. The most irritating part, however, is that Kaiji refuses to accept the fact that he is indeed a very bad gambler with terrible luck that abandons him the second his intellect fails to bring him victory. To top it all off, he loves to pretend that every time he gambles is the last time he’s gambling, and that too because he was apparently “forced into it.” The first step to curing an addiction is admitting you have one, Kaiji.
7) Kamina—Gurren Lagann
Never mind that Kamina is a wreckless moron who frequently endangers the safety of his allies. Never mind that he’s often sending protagonist Simon into the jaws of death for something totally useless. Never mind that he seems to have an abnormal obsession with surface girls. The most pathetic thing about Kamina is still his delusion of grandeur. As if he is some sort of world-renowned thug, Kamina feels that everyone should know and respect his name. He feels that he should be able to command machines just like Simon, ignoring the fact that the latter was destined for it. And, most of all, Kamina thinks he is in such awesome shape that never needs to put a shirt on. Of all these things, only the last one is really true.
8) Yonro—Shin Chan
The worst for last. Not only is our perpetual high school student obsessed with those disgusting “adult anime,” the Nohara family’s adequately disgusting neighbor Yonri is also an idiot, incapable of passing a simple entrance exam for college. And that college, of course, isn’t Tokyo University—Yonri actually fails to get into community college. Plus, he once punched a hole into his neighbor’s wall for no apparent reason—it’s still there, covered up by a curtain because he can’t, as Shin suggests, go to “Wall Mart” and buy a new wall. Not because there isn’t a Wall Mart, but because he can’t afford it.